Two Poems by Amanda Joshua

thread

I want to tell you that the poem I wrote for you
got accepted by three different journals
One of them called it
“cute, funny and devastating”
If that doesn’t sum up our entire
situation, I don’t know what will
be good enough to write about
now, you always were
My favourite topic

I want to tell you I get up at 5 am every day!
Drive 20 minutes to Cornwall Park, climb
One Tree Hill and watch the sun
rise like we always talked about
I think you’d appreciate this kind of start
To the day, but then maybe you wouldn’t
Maybe you’d just point out
the ill logic in the wasted time and the petrol, I wish
you’d just point out all the desire paths to me
One more time, like you used to

I want to tell you that I work after hours now
And the office always looks so bright and large
And so empty, it makes me miss
When our lunch breaks came together
And we’d walk down to the wharf, you’d tell me
the ferry building was the most historic
In the city

I want to tell you that you’ve put your hands
all over every beach and every good cafe
in Mt Eden, I can’t go anywhere without remembering
How good hot chocolate tasted
when your long legs took up all the room
Beneath the table

I want to tell you I get up at 5 am every day
to protect a hopeful woman, seconds into waking
she hasn’t remembered yet that you no longer
want her, most mornings I’m halfway
up the hill before my tired brain reminds me to
Murder her, I wish I could
watch that sun rise, just once, with
Eyes that you still loved

I want to tell you
I drafted up 5 different birthday messages
to send you, I can’t help
Being a writer
Feels useless now, I can’t help being used
to saving my best words
for you, I typed them all into our text thread but
I never pressed send

---

Winning Hand

I told my mum about a first date
I went on recently, I told her
He had a younger brother and teachers
For parents
I told her he listened when I talked
about politics, didn’t dismiss me
When I confided
some days I can’t bring myself
to the news, definitely not
the comments beneath it
I didn’t have to convince him I was still
A critical thinker
I want to be informed, it’s just
Hard for queer brown girls to leave the house
When they’ve been informed
all the ways this world can hate them
I thought about how you liked to think
I wasn’t political, just pretty
And blissful, when just my existence
is constant conversation
up for debate
why didn’t you stop to think maybe
some days I tire of checking
the side that won today
is the one that thinks it’s okay that I
keep breathing
I thought about murdering
you and I thought about how different
his hands looked to yours
they’d never touched me with violent
misunderstanding
the way yours did
Thought about
Asking my mum why it was still
Your hands I missed so much but
I didn’t

---

Amanda Joshua has writing published or forthcoming in Starling, Sweet Mammalian, takahē, The Spinoff, Blackmail Press, Kate Magazine, Craccum, Tarot, Turbine | Kapohau, foam:e, London Grip and Poetry New Zealand Yearbook. In her spare time, she tries to keep her houseplants alive and contemplates dropping her law degree.
Instagram: @_amandajoshua